Monday, December 28, 2015

Despite All My Rage...

I wanted to let some time pass from my last post to give an update on that whole situation. Aside from a very brief exchange on Christmas, we haven't really spoken. I'm going to let it stay that way. I'm trying to understand her side of the situation. She is in no way interested and doesn't realize that she's not doing me any favors by cutting me out completely. I'm choosing to be okay with that. It's shitty, it sucks, and it hurts. However, she's dealing with her own thing. If I think about it too long, I get pissed off all over again. So, I'm going to do my best to avoid that.

Speaking of getting pissed off... I had something happen on Christmas Eve that hasn't happened in a very long time. I threw a tantrum. Like a toddler. Of course, booze was involved. I don't remember the conversation that lead up to it, I just remember feeling like I wasn't being heard. I have a lot of unchecked rage and things hit a boiling point. This was a very good and very close friend of mine who was just trying to help. I screamed in her face and literally stomped the ground until she broke down in tears. What's worse than feeling like the giant piece of shit that I am for what I've done, is knowing that I did the same thing my dad would do. I've made it a goal since I was a little kid to do everything in my power to not become him. I don't think I'm in danger of that, but it's a that kind of behavior that I really want to avoid. I managed to calm down that same night and apologize... But I know she's never going to forget it. I scarred her. I did that. There's nothing I can do to fix it. All I can do is try to never do it again. I feel like a monster.

I've said before that I "used to have an anger issue." I thought that was true. I thought I worked passed it after high school. I didn't work passed anything; All that rage is still inside me. The only thing I changed are the circumstances in which it will come out. Truth is, I'm always angry. It never really goes away. I learned how to function with an alarming amount of anger sitting under the surface. I release it in these little bursts. Usually when I'm alone at home or in my car. It's kind of remarkable how sturdy my steering wheel is, because I've tried like hell to break it. This is no way to live.

I've been thinking a lot lately about why I'm so angry. Might seem odd that I'm only now really thinking about it, but I had never considered the "why" before. I know that most of it stems from my childhood. I never had a healthy outlet for anger and I never felt like anyone would listen to me. You know that feeling you get when you're in the midst of getting mad about something and somebody tells you to calm down? How you go from reasonably angry to fully fucking infuriated? Imagine that happening every time for over 20 years. I'm not trying to make excuses, but through my entire adolescence, not a single person tried to talk me through what I was so mad about. All my rage was treated as unimportant and inconvenient. If my dad was around, it was met with an opposing anger.

I really need to stop being the victim and parent myself. I'm astounded every day by people my age. So many of them just... Living. I can't wrap my head around it. How the hell do they do that? I'm not even looking for happiness. I'm looking for contentment. Even that feels so unattainable...

Anyway, I'm exhausted and losing focus. I'm mad about a lot of things. I might talk about it more some other time.

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