Monday, December 9, 2013


Here we are! Week three. It's 11:37 and I'm just now getting this damn thing started. Maybe I should update more than once a week. Seven days is too long for me to remember what the fuck I'm supposed to do. Anyway... Let's get down to it.

Love. Is there anything more powerful? There's not much that can be said about love that isn't cliche. It's the one thing that can instill as much fear as it does joy. I've always found it to be a beautiful thing. People can fight and argue over just about anything in the world. But, one undeniable fact, everyone wants love. Sure, you might not be ready for it. And, typically, you never know when you're ready. That's what's so awesome about it. You can be in the deepest, darkest place... But, then loves comes along. BAM! You're sucked into the smiles and flirtatious touches that make all of your friends want to hang themselves. It's so interesting to me. All it takes is one person to completely change your personality. Arguably, for the better. 

Yes, there are more than enough examples of how love (or, "love" if you're a pessimist) have changed people for the worse. Doing things that hurt themselves or others just to prove their affection and things of that nature. However, is that really love? It's hard to say. I think that, in most cases, that kind of love is one sided. Usually with the person doing the wrong thing being the one that's truly in love. It's an interesting conversation to have. Everyone has their own stories of love. And most of them bad. Love is a lot like general happiness in that way. There has to be a lot of pain to compensate for how fantastic it is.

To quote one of my favorite comics, Marc Maron... What the fuck is my point? I, just like everyone else, have had my fair share of shit in the love department. I spent most of my Jr. High and High school years chasing it. I've always been a hopeless romantic and I'm just now learning to embrace it. I don't know if it's an endearing quality to have, but it's me. And, dammit, people are going to have to deal with it. So, I thought I'd share with you all (the two... MAYBE three people who read this) my story of the first time I had my heart broken.

I was in the fourth grade. I was a weird kid for a lot of reasons. One of the weirdest to me, I never really went through the "girls are gross" phase. For two years I had my eye on one girl that I couldn't stop thinking about. Her name was Lindsey. Long dark hair, blue eyes, never spoke to me, never came to my birthday party that I ALWAYS invited her to... She was pretty great. Finally, I decide that I'm going to do something. Since all my time during recess was spent avoiding bullies and jumping off of playground equipment for attention, I knew I needed a different approach. I decided to write her a love letter. "What can be more romantic than coming to school and finding a love letter in your desk?" That was my actual though as a fourth grader. Now, my penmanship has always been shit. I know I can't really write a letter. I do want her to be able to read the damn thing. So, I start typing. As far as what I said in that letter, I have no idea. I can only imagine how cringe worthy that damn thing must have been. But I was in fourth grade! I can't stress that enough... 

Once I'm done writing, editing, rewriting, and re-editing... I print it out, put it in an envelope, then I'm stuck with a new problem. How do I write her name on the envelope? I want it to impress her and I know I won't be able to make it look nice. So I do what any young boy does. I go to my mom. I have my mom write Lindsey's name on the envelope. There was little sleep to be had that night. How can anyone sleep when you just know the love of your life is about to be swept off her feet when you're one romantic little goddamn Casanova? I made sure to be ready so I could get to school earlier than usual. I wanted to put the letter in her desk and be ready to watch as she read it because I just knew she was going to fall madly in love with me. So far, everything goes exactly as planned. She sits down, finds the note, opens it, and starts reading. My heart is pounding so hard in anticipation. She finishes, then motions for her friends to come over. I get even more excited. Now she wants to show off to them! Perfect! I know that one of the best ways to win a lady over is to impress her friends. After they all read it, they take a second to talk about it. Things just keep getting better! They're talking about me! I've definitely nailed it. Lindsey turns to look at me, with a big stupid smile on my face. That's when it happens. In unison, the laughing. And the pointing. And more laughing. I felt the blood leave my face and I could almost hear my heart crashing into the floor. 

Years later, Lindsey and I actually became friends. The story of that letter became a fun little anecdote in our friendship. I never let her know that I still liked her. I didn't see much of a point. Chalk it up to an experience that would prepare me for a series of failed attempts, and failed relationships. But, like I said, the pain is necessary for the bliss that love can bring. 

As usual, leave a comment! Tell me one of your experiences. And please share this blog. If you have any topic you'd like me to tackle, just let me know. 

Monday, December 2, 2013

Two And A Half Broke Girls

Well, here we are in week two. I've been thinking all week about what I'm going to write about. After much consideration, I've decided that I'll write about something that means a lot to me. Comedy.

Comedy is a rare and beautiful thing. There's no person in the world who doesn't genuinely enjoy a good laugh. True, comedy is subjective. However, laughter is universal. So, what's my point? I'm kind of an asshole. Especially to the friends and family that have never performed, or written, and kind of comedy. I've turned in to one of "those guys." You know... the kind of person that berates you because of a show that you enjoy watching? The kind of person who uses phrases like, "the writing is just so weak" - "it's just so predictable" - and "I can't believe you watch such trash." Okay, so I haven't said that last one. At least, not in the EXACT way. 

But why? Why do I feel the need to explain to people that the shows they watch are bad? I'd like to think that it's because I love comedy and I hold it in such a high regard. So much so, that I'm willing to sound like a pompous dick while bashing Two Broke Girls during Thanksgiving dinner. I'm not completely delusional. I haven't been doing standup all THAT long. I'm not trying to say that I know everything there is to know about writing jokes. I'd just like to think that most peoples standards are higher than half-assed one liners. But hell, I like Squidbillies. So what the fuck do I know?

Kept it a little short this week. Trying to figure out a good length for each post. Leave a comment with any feedback or suggestions you have. Or, if you have a topic for me to talk about. 

Monday, November 25, 2013

What To Expect When Expecting Little

There are well over 3 million blogs on the internet right now. 3 MILLION. So what makes me think that I can get anyone to read my one little, shitty blog? Absolutely nothing. But, I hope that I can at least hook a few of you and keep this up. 

So, what will I be blogging about? You know, that's a really good question. I went in to this thinking that I had to have an overall theme. Technology? Movies? Games? Comedy? Does delving into ones own psyche count? Because that seems to be what I've landed on. You might be asking yourself how someone can self analyze and keep things lighthearted and fun to read. After all, I'm a comedian. A glorified clown that dances on command, right? To be honest, it's going to get dark at times. But, that's just what happens because that's what is honest. Personally, honest is always more interesting. I've done a pretty good job of keeping a lot of thoughts to myself (while sober, anyway.) Standup comedy has a way of bringing things out of you that you never thought you'd tell anyone, let alone a room full of strangers. So, with a confidence that is incredibly rare, I say... Fuck it.

Let's start off by telling a bit about me. At this exact moment, I am a 25 year old man that lives in Southern Illinois. Thanks to a number of poor decisions, I moved back in with my mom a little over a year ago. I've dropped out of community college (4 times) and I've not had a real job in 10 months. I'm what a lot of people would call a loser. Sure, it's a negative term that makes me want to mouth-fuck the business end of a shotgun and Kurt Cobain my way to Valhalla, but it's not like they're wrong... However, I'm working on fixing things. So that's a plus. 

I started doing comedy in May of 2012. Doing standup has been something I've wanted to do since I was in grade school. In fact, when we were supposed to dress as what we wanted to be when we grew up, I donned a button up shirt and sunglasses. Apparently, that's what a dumb kid like me thought would represent a comedian. Yes, while surrounding by little police officers, doctors, firemen, and astronauts... I was the little comic with practically no friends. You can imagine the feigned pride my parents showed. Surprisingly, my very first time on stage went incredibly well. Due mainly to being introduced as a first timer, I'm sure. I haven't looked back since. I spent the following 7 months bombing weekly and getting drunk before and after every open mic. To the shock of everyone who knows me, I kept going and learned from my mistakes. It's not like I'm making a living performing every week. I'm gradually getting better and trying to get my name out there. It's optimism and it scares the fucking shit out of me. As do most new things.

I'm not going into my childhood yet. That's going to be a whole series of me dealing with issues. In a weird way, I'm excited to write about them. I've taken a couple stories on stage and did my best to make them funny, and that seems to have gone well. It was after doing that when I was told that somebody could relate to what I was saying and had been through a lot of the same things. It was comforting for them to know they weren't alone. I've had some great shows in my short career and I've even made a bit of money. But that was easily they greatest feeling I've had since I started doing this.

So, there it is. A little intro. I'll be posting a new blog every Monday. So, if you think you'll like it, check back next week. Tell your friends, too. I crave attention.